to be known

I had the privilege to speak at a women’s conference this last weekend, and in a way that only God could, he intervened on my topic. Which made me very nearly terrified.

The theme of the conference was “Patterns God is Weaving in Our Lives” and after going through several topic ideas, I realized I wasn't particularly passionate about any of them. I could speak on them, with some measure of authority, but I was fearful that it wouldn't come from the heart. (Which is a miracle in itself, because two years ago I don’t know that I would have been in tune with myself enough to understand the importance of speaking on a topic that matters to you – and how that makes your talk so much better.)

Enough with the suspense – my talk was Patterns of Love: Vulnerability and the Lavish Love of God. Now, of course, with the word “vulnerability” you have to know that Brené Brown’s material comes into play, though I used almost nothing of her’s in my talk. She mostly just inspired me to do the talk in the first place. Reading Brennan Manning’s The Signature of Jesus last summer and going through the Sonship study though World Harvest Mission also inspired me. But what was beautiful and appropriate was just how much scripture I was able to use. There was a lot of it, and there is a lot more in scripture that tells us just how much God loves us.

Here is probably the most important truth I’ve taken from this last year: as well as the most terrifying truth I’ve ever faced:

You are completely known and loved by the God of the universe (anyway), and to feel and understand that kind of love on earth you have to let yourself be known by others.

[can you hear my screams?]

Today I learn some information that is causing me to question much of what I thought I knew about a person, and a family unit. It makes me so fearful of what we can hide from each other just because we are afraid.

AFRAID.

There is a lot about myself that I dislike. A lot. It’s not pretty, really. It’s shameful. And a couple of weeks ago, I was listening to s sermon that will haunt me for the rest of my life, but also reaffirmed everything I learn in 2013 about love.

“Nothing drives shame away from the heart more than being fully known yet still delighted in.” – Matt Chandler

I am still reeling from the truth and consequences of this statement. Because I know it to be true after everything I’ve learned this last year.

So I’m trying to hard not to be afraid anymore. I’m trying to be more honest. I’m trying to very hard to let others know me. Because I don’t want this shame. I don’t want to live my life and after it’s over, have people wonder if they really knew me.

Back in college, I was introduced to a band called Waterdeep, and I became obsessed. The lead singer, Don Chaffer, put out a solo album before the band was formed and here are some lyrics from that album:

She said, "Aaron, I don't think
I've ever wanted as much
To be free as I've longed to be known….

I’ve never intellectualized, until this last year, that you would lose your freedom if you were known. I imagine the theory behind this is that you would be bound in being known because the weight of that truth would crush you. And perhaps that the world sees freedom in the control that we desire to have in letting people know only so much.

This is really what it comes down to, isn’t it? We try so hard to control what people know about us, partially because of the shame we feel about who we really are, but also because we have a pre-conceived notion that people will only like parts of us and not all of us.

…And of the things that I hate
As I look at my life,
The worst is my being alone.

This is the consequence of finding your identity in others, and not in Christ. Being alone as the only person who knows you, other than God, from whom no truth can be hidden.

…And as they headed home, neither of them could speak a word 
And they held their own spirits to blame 
But at the pulse of the waves, they both turned around 
Surely someone was calling their name 

God is calling us not just to know him, but to know each other. Because if grace and love prevails, knowing each other will not result in shame and judgment, but in, “I see you. Me, too. Let’s walk through this together.”

You can listen to Matt’s sermon here.

Buy the Sonship study here.

Buy The Signature of Jesus here

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Listen to Don Chaffer’s song here.

Learn more about the conference here.

Expectations and Saving Mr. Banks

Unless you are living under a rock, you probably went to go see Saving Mr. Banks in the last few weeks. I was glad to be warned ahead of time that this was not a sweet and happy film about the making of a sweet and happy film I remember from my childhood. I was told it was long, sad, the main character was an awful human being and was told to bring tissues.

I’ve decided I prefer being mentally prepared like that, because I liked the movie, and I’m convinced it’s because I knew what I was getting myself into when I walked into the theater. So I was able to look closer, which is one of my favorite things to do at the movies, and find beauty in the mess. This time, though, I feel like it created a mess in my life. But I’m thinking it’s a mess that needed to be created.

When Walt flies to Europe at the end to see Mrs. Travers, he says to her, “You came to Hollywoodexpecting that I would disappoint you. And so I did.” This was my biggest takeaway. I haven’t stopped thinking about it in the last week since I saw the movie.

I starting working on a post about expectations two days before I saw the movie and now this line has me all twisted up inside. How often do I have an expectation of a person, while believing with my heart that they will disappoint me? Does it affect how I treat the person, how much I trust them? And does that affect the outcome at all? Walt implied that it did, in the case of Mrs. Travers. Though I realize that much of her expectation involved a desperate need for her to let go… and every situation involving expectations is not about letting go.

Or is it?

Welp. I think I just ran my thought process into a circle. So this just means I have to let go, right?

Here’s the thing with expectations, disappointment, and letting go. I feel like this would mean I would have to stop caring, too. Because caring is so very close to expectation (though they are certainly not mutually exclusive.) Would the absence of expectation also mean the absence of caring?

So – let’s really think about this. Caring vs expectations. Is there a difference? Does removing expectation from our life mean caring will cease? If we usually expect something from a person or a situation and we remove that expectation, is it possible to still care about the person or the situation? I’m not sure I have this exactly right. Because I think we can still love the person, but perhaps removing expectations means we become indifferent to their actions.

Oy. “The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.” –Elie Wiesel, Holocust survivor and political activist.

Still working on my word for the year… I just haven’t been able to settle on one. But I do think I will do a series on expectations. I have much more to say and am thinking about many other areas under this umbrella. The post I began working on before the quote from Saving Mr. Banks turned me all upside down will have to wait for another day. (Which is convenient, because it’s a painfully vulnerable post.) But I am going to be thinking and watching how my expectations of disappointment affect my relationships. Man, I just know this is going to be painful.